Embrace your evil thoughts.
I always feel at home at my parents’ house. It’s no strange for someone who lived there for 30 years. Whenever I looked at the cuckoo clock and listened to it chiming, the sense of security and calm from my childhood came and submerged me. It’s because there I can be who I am. Don’t need to worry about offending anyone or being seen as a weirdo. Everything feels so natural and easy. That was my comfort zone.
And I left there for a supposedly better life, like every life hackers suggested.
I quitted studying philosophy and found a job. I learned new skills and earned money. Unmindful and Careless. Time flied without hesitation. And I simply can not remember why did things end up like it is now.
Then I became sort of a designer.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.
— Kurt Vonnegut
I think I’ve always pretending to be a designer. I saw defects in things and wanted to fix them. I read and talked about typography, golden ratio, and social benefit. I am not sure about the definition of imposter syndrome. But I am not one of them. I am a real imposter, who is not sure about what the right thing to do, or who the hell is Le Corbusier.
A job can make you ordinary as everyone else. A title can hide the uniqueness in you. We all shed some pieces of us along the road to become useful in this society.
I changed my job and went to a work I didn’t like but paid more. I kept working and working on it till I’m no longer sure if I like it or not. In retrospect, even I, can’t recognize myself. Then it feels like an empty space there should have something existed but not. I am lost.
It says Dangal is about social struggle in India but I only saw dreams and dreams come true.
I think I’m a escapist. But movie’s a movie and I just wanted to be entertained. I am certainly not responsible for social justice in India. Will it make a difference if I refuse to go to the movies? I think I’m a little ignorant. I think I am a little arrogant. But you can’t be a real dreamer without ignorance and arrogance. Because you see others don’t see, you dream others don’t dream.
I dream about my son growing up ok and be a man he wants. I dream about my boss sees the details in my work and raises his thumb…or my salary. I dream about building my own products and earn enough money to be my own boss.
The app I installed on my phone claims to be useful and problem solving. But I tried and no it wasn’t. It didn’t solve my round shaped body and unattractive face. Neither did it wake me up at 4 am nor have me drink more water. I am still the normal person from yesterday, caffeinated in the morning and drunk at night.
Even it’s on something peculiar and trivial like the bluish tint on the call-to-action button. Apparently my little insistence didn’t make me special nor popular. But you have taken my dream and it is what’s left of me.
And here comes the deepest fear. That nobody cares about my work or my mediocre. Who cares about the vertical rhythm I put so much effort on? Do you see the difference?
But that’s ok now since I’ve had my son. I’ll help him build his dream. He is my dream now. I am happy and satisfied. I wanna donate or even volunteer. But I have no time and money. I guess I’ll help others when I have enough money.
But it’s natural to think that way. I sacrificed a lot for the society. And the Evil Corp just took it all!
AMP is shit, but lord Google looks on it favorably so we must all bow down and implement it.— Brian Fagioli (@brianfagioli) May 24, 2017
It dominates the world and owns every single one of us. If one day we successfully flee from the world, it’s probably still them that built the ship. How do we live? Not by designing but dreaming. Dream a bigger and open world which is really with no border. A world close to socialism but not so scary as our stereotype.
I dream about good things come true and bad things go away.
I always felt awkward and embarrassed talking about what I do for a living. That’s not who I am. I’d rather say I am a babysitter of my son.
I don’t care about Trump or his son-in-law. I care about the bombing in Thailand just because I don’t want to get hurt during my vacation there. It doesn’t mean I have no feelings for the world. I wept tears for them. It’s just I have no time for everybody.
So I don’t wish to be one. And it’s none of my business. I aspire to escape from the corporate world and the sense of belonging. In a digital world like it is now, I bet it’s doable.
I’ll keep dreaming.